Total Drama Babylon
by TheSealer
Summary: Total Drama series parody! 27 aliens trapped in a giant spinning can in out of space. Hosted by a sadistic creep, competting against each other for fortune, fame and an unlimited wish. They'll have to live with constant dangers, bitter rivalries, disgusting food and louzy life standards! Drama, humor and craziness! Who will triumph and you will fall? NOTE: Up for adoption!
1. Not so happy aliens

**TOTAL DRAMA BABYLON**

**WARNNING!: The stunts you're about to see on this show are performed by hardy contestants. Don't try any of these at home, seriously. It would screw up your weekend.**

**Francis O'Leary is a character borrowed from Lord of Misrule and her famous fanfic 'The Dilgar War'.**

**Chapter 1: Not so happy aliens Part 1**

"Yo! Yo! Yo, dogs!" – Francis O'Leary said, wearing an expensive suit. – "Coming to you live, from the last of the Babylon stations, Babylon 5, located deep in neutral space. I am the host, your beloved Francis O'Leary! Crashing the first season of the brand new reality show that EarthGov is now funding, rather than using this giant piece of metal for 'creating the peace', like it was first intended to. They figured making a reality show to be broadcasted all over the galaxy would help make peace better than some diplomatic station."

"Now, let your awesome host explain the deal." – Francis walked over the completely empty station like giving a tour. – "26 aliens of different species volunteered for spending some long weeks getting their butts kicked on this station, divided in 3 teams. Each team will live on a different colored sector: Blue, Green or Grey. The teams will compete against each other in a series of crazy challenges, every three days. Everything will be recorded by the hundreds of saucer-like recorders flying around. At the end of each challenge, the winning team wins immunity and a small prize. The losing team will gather here, at the Observation Dome, for an elimination ceremony."

"In the elimination ceremony, each member of the losing team will be given a DVD of the new season of Rebo and Zooty. Well, all but one. The one who doesn't receive a DVD is the loser who has been voted off by his or her teammates. Then the loser gets to walk through the Bay of Shame, catch the Shuttle of Losers and can't come back to Total Drama Babylon…EVER!"

Francis said the last word after a small pause for effect, showing the place.

"As a small perk, the winning team will spend the following 72 hours on the Red sector, the only place on this crappy piece of spinning metal that is 5-star. Well, besides my quarters, that is. Eh! Eh! Eh!" – Francis gave a smug smirk.

"Now you're probably wondering: 'That's not so bad, spending some weeks in out of space on a 2-star station.' Ladies and gentlemen, you couldn't be more mistaken. Babylon 5 is a magnet of all that's nasty: a poorly maintained nuclear reactor, surrounded by hard vacuum of space, attacked by raiders on an irregular basis and served nasty food cooked by Chef Zathras. Also, we have a Zarg, an invisible giant predator and a Na'ka'leen Feeder roaming around. As icing on the cake, the station is orbiting an potentially explosive planet. Safe, hu?"

"And now you're wondering: 'Who on their right minds would participate on such crazyac show?' The last one standing will be rewarded with 1 million EA credits, an interview on ISN that will make 'em famous and one unlimited wish. Whatever whish they want."

"Who will have their head explode from all the pressure and who will be the last one leaving this chunk of craziness behind like a big shot? Find out here, on Total Drama Babylon! Now hit it, boys!"

[Starts opening music]

_Dear homeworld, I'm doing fine_

_You people are on my mind_

_You asked me what I wanted to be_

_And now I think the answer is plain to see_

_I wanna to be awesome!_

_I wanna to live close to the sun_

_Well, pack your bags cause I've already won._

_Everything to prove; nothing in my way_

_I'll get there one day_

_Cause I wanna be awesome_

_Naa! Nanana'nanaana nana na! Manaana nana._

_I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna be awesome_

_I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna be awesome_

[Finishes opening music]

"Welcome back to Total Drama Babylon." – Francis said, standing in the deserted customs. – "All the 26 shuttles have arrived. It's time to meet our guests. From Earth, we have the only Human who managed to destroy a Minbari cruiser and got his face in every wanted sign across Minbar: **John Sheridan**!"

"That's 'cause the bone-heads love me." – Sheridan entered the scene with a smug smile that could rival Francis'.

"Well, isn't that nice!" – Francis retorted. – "Now, fanboy of Tennyson and one of the 200 survivors of the Battle of the Line: **Jeffrey Sinclair**!"

Sinclair passed through the customs and joined Sheridan without a word.

"A chatty one, hu? We'll get to that later. Next, from the cold and dry Minbar, youngest member of the Grey Council: **Delenn**!"

Delenn joined the three Humans, doing simply a small bow. Besides that, she remained silent like Sinclair. The two men were puzzled by her appearance. Instead of completely bald with a big bone on her head, Delenn had long brown hair with a small bone crest. While Sinclair continued confused, Sheridan slowly changed into a perverted smirk.

"Hey there, sweetcheeks!" – the captain said to which Delenn ignore.

"Leave the pyrope for later, Casanova." – Francis scolded. – "From Mars, the repeatedly rejected security, fanboy of Daffy Duck and reaching his dawn of baldness, **Michael Garibaldi**! Hey, mind if I call you Mike or Gary?"

"Yeah, I do." – Garibaldi muttered with a not-so-friendly smile. He then turned to Sinclair.

"Gary it is!" – Francis gave the man a taunting smile. – "Now put your hands together for the Ruskie Jew…er" – Francis couldn't understand the name of the 5th guest. – "Can someone here read this. It's written in Chinese or something."

"It's Hebrew for **Susan Ivanova**, smartass." – a mean looking woman hissed joining the growing group.

"Yeah, I knew that. Enter the hotstuff of the season, which Sheridan has already banged: **Elizabeth Lochley**!"

"Hey, Lizz!" – Sheridan gave her a wink to which Lochley only snarled.

"I told you next time you hit on me, you would have your genitals for breakfast." – to this Sheridan gulped and Sinclair suppressed a chuckle.

* * *

_**Camera confession:**_

"Yeah, that's what she said." – Sheridan grinned.

* * *

"Ouch, she's all fired up! Eh! Eh! Eh!" – Francis gave his trademark chuckle. – "Next up, the soft-heart doctor who would rather burn his whole work to the ground than giving it to the brass: **Stephen Franklin**!"

"Hello!" – the doc complimented with a smile to which most of the guests replied friendly.

"From the Zargos colony, we have the runaway Human who joined the boneys despite they tried to destroy humanity: **Marcus Cole**!"

"Hello there!" – the man cheerfully greeted, putting himself close to Susan.

"Yeah, he's British, definitely. Next, our second repeatedly rejected, former drug addict, **Zack Allan**."

Zack's greetings were pretty much like Marcus.

"From the middle of nowhere, the sidekick character who,…well, I don't really know a thing about his past: **David Corwin**!"

The new guy joined the group without a word, pretty much like Sinclair did.

"Another chatty. Woop-dee-doo! Now, we…" – Francis smile diminished a bit after checking the name of the next contestant. – "Oh, goody, a villain! Please put your hands together for the first and most crappy villain of the series: **Antono Refa**!"

The Centauri passed through customs but made no intention of joining the group, occasionally giving a sideways disdainful glance.

"With the most lesbian hair-style in the history of Babylon 5, here's our favorite rogue telepath ginger: **Lyta Alexander**!"

"I'm gonna take that, for now, as a compliment." – Lyta muttered. She had her hairstyle from the movie 'The Gathering'. The sight didn't slip Zack's eye. She put herself between Delenn and Susan who both seemed friendly enough. Though, Lyta missed the sideways glances Ivanova gave her.

"Now enter her twin, the rumored schizophrenic telepath: **Talia Winters**!"

Susan frowned even more as Talia joined their group. Unlike what she did with Lyta, Susan made no eye contact with Talia, whatsoever.

"And since that we're presenting telepaths, here's the last of 'em. He may look like a funny looking Nazi, but this one is actually a wicked Psi Cop. Presenting **Alfred Bastard**, er…I mean **Bester**!"

"Cozy enough." – Bester had a look around and then spotted the other guests, with a mischievous smile. – "Friendly enough. I think I'll make lots of friends here."

* * *

_**Camera confession:**_

"Pass." – Susan groaned annoyed.

"I'll be his friend alright, if he just wipes out that smile of his." – Garibaldi muttered.

* * *

"Straight from Minbar, we have Delenn little lapdog: **Lennier**!"

The innocent looking Minbari saluted every one with a respectful bow. His eyes went wide when they landed on Sheridan. Fortunately, he ignored the Human and went to Delenn.

"We move from the cold Minbar to the red and hot Narn. Enter the old Narn Resistance leader: **G'Kar**!"

"Glad to see the Centauri bothered the send a representative." – G'Kar grinned a hateful smirk at Refa who reattributed with a sneer.

* * *

_**Camera confession:**_

"I see the first I shall eliminate." – Refa smiled cruelly.

* * *

"I sense the tension building up, but save it for the challenges. Trust me, you'll have plenty of chances to hate and beat other's guts. Eh! Eh! Eh!" – Francis schemed on how to make the Narn and the Centauri display countless moments of humor. – "With Delenn having her little fanboy, let's not forget G'Kar brought his own fangirl. Here comes **Na'Toth**!"

The female Narn walked calmly through the customs. She just passed by Francis when suddenly turned around, grabbed his neck and put a knife hovering his crotch. This caught the other contestants surprised but none moved to help Francis. Some like Sinclair, Lennier and Delenn feared she might kill the host if they move. The others just didn't care.

"I'll have you know, Human, I am no mindless servant. I follow my leader G'Kar because I choose to. If you ever send any snide remarks like that to me again I'll castrate you and make you eat them."

* * *

_**Camera confession:**_

"I like her already." – Lochley said with a smile. – "I have a feeling this Na'Toth and I are gonna be great friends."

"And _this_ is exactly why I invited Na'Toth." – G'Kar smiled like a father proud of his child.

* * *

"Alright, I got the picture. Can I have my neck and my kiwis back?" – Francis gulped. Na'Toth let him go and joined the group, been welcomed mostly by Lochley.

"Now that's settled, time for our next and most mysterious guest. From the enigmatic Vorlon Homeworld, here is **Kosh Naranek**!"

The Vorlon just walked to the group without a word while everyone eyed him wary and curious.

"Also from the Vorlon Homeworld, we have **Ulkesh Naranek**, though he prefers the name Kosh for some reason." – a new Vorlon, this time wearing a purple suit passed through Francis. – "Next, also from Minbar we have…wait what the-?"

A tall figure walked through the customs which made Lennier and Delenn stared in disbelief.

"**Dukhat**?" – Francis was stunned. – "I thought this guy was dead."

"I am very much alive." – the Minbari replied.

"But you died in the Prometheus accident." – Francis insisted.

"And yet, I am standing right here, am I not?" – Dukhat smiled.

"But you…Fine, you're in." – Francis gave up. – "Can't argue with that logic."

Lennier and Delenn immediately bowed before their master as he entered the group.

* * *

_**Camera confession:**_

"I know you're probably wondering how am I still alive, since this station was built because of a war created by my death." – Dukhat said calmly. – "Well, it's li-"

FLASH!

[The battery of the camera ran out.]

* * *

"Our last contestant from Minbar is also from the Warrior Caste. Responsible for the death of 50 000 innocent Humans, I give you **Neroon**!"

The Humans, with the possible exclusion of Francis, grew wary and frowned before the Minbari Warrior. Neroon ignored them until he spotted a familiar one.

"STARKILLER!" – with the agility of a cat, Neroon drew his fighting pike and advanced towards Sheridan. The Human went for his PPG, but the fight never happened because Dukhat stood between the two. The enemies looked over the wise Minbari and into each other's eyes with hate. Finally both separated, putting away their weapons.

"Kids, no weapons allowed on the station. That's the second rule of Total Drama Babylon." – Francis said.

"I thought there were no rules in this competition." – G'Kar chided.

"Yeah, that's the first rule. Without further ado, presenting from the Centauri Republic, **Londo Mollari**!"

"Hello, everyone!" – the man said jovially. He was holding a glass of brivari and wearing a hideous purple outfit.

* * *

_**Camera confession:**_

"Here's another reason why we hate the Centauri: they have no sense of fashion." – Na'Toth muttered. – "Purple, seriously?"

* * *

"Somebody sure enjoyed their trip to the middle of nowhere. That'll soon change." – Francis smirked, adding in his thoughts. – _"It will change alright._"

"And let's not forget my guest." – Londo grinned.

"Your guest?"

"Yes," – Londo tasted his drink. – "I made some arrangements for an extra competitor to be invited."

"Hey, no can do. Only 26 guests allowed, I need to make 3 teams with the same numbers." – Francis protested.

"Then, this is good for you. If we're 27 rather than 26, you can split us into 3 teams of 9, like 3 Grey Councils." – Lennier said.

"Yeah, I knew that." – Francis retorted. He turned to Londo, not really caring. – "Moving on, who is your guest?"

"From the faithful House Jaddo, I give you my good old friend also known as skal tura, **Urza Jaddo**!" – Londo presented dramatically, giving the Centauri salute to his buddy.

"Yeah, sure whatever. Just move along with your bff." – Francis groaned to Londo, not really enjoying having his spotlight stolen even for just a second. – "Now back to me; we're down to our last four guests: 2 Centauri, 1 Human and 1 surprise guest!"

"Crashing from one of the lowest Noble Houses, here is our little big-baby of the show, **Vir Cotto**!"

Vir joined the group feeling nervous to be around two aggressive and fierce looking Narns. He squeezed his placed close to Londo, feeling safer among his people.

"Our third last guest is a somewhat wacky one. From the Centauri Royal family and the craziest corners of the Royal Court, enter **Cartagia**!" – Francis announced the young man watching his surroundings with a dreamer glare, like someone who was hopelessly in love. Cartagia joined the other Centauri with a gleeful expression.

"Hello! Nice meeting you in this life!" – he put an arm around Refa and other around Vir. He turned to the youngest of both with a big, almost insane smile. – "And you shorty, have you anything to say for yourself?"

* * *

_**Camera confession:**_

"I have a feeling this guy is hitting on me." – Vir said nervously. – "Maybe I should _really_ stay close to Londo."

* * *

"Enough _Carty_." – Francis taunted. – "Be gay when the camera is off. Time for guest number 26. From the depths of Z'ha'dum, the follower of the Shadows, **Morden**!"

The man looking like an auto-salesman walked with a smug smile that resembled Francis'. The Vorlons and Minbari went into a hostile mode towards the new man.

"And finally, the last competitor! The killer of billions, brutalizer of worlds, Terror of the League, Curse of Omelos, Deathwalker herself, **Jha'dur**!"

"DEATHWALKER!" – it was Na'Toth's turn to go berserk and lunged at her enemy. This time, Francis was ready for it. The host snapped his fingers and tow ninjas came out of nowhere and grabbed Na'Toth on her tracks. The Narn kept roaring like a mad animal while Jha'dur remained there, unaffected by it.

"One of our guests has just gone berserk. We'll be back when she's fit to be on TV, again. Until then, enjoy the commercials that have funded this series. Stay tuned!"

[Begins break]

_**Does your smile embarrass you? Do you have a credibility problem? Well, we have the answer: new 'JumpGate Ultra Bright!' toothpaste! For that smile so bright you're never again gonna give it up.**_

_**New 'JumpGate Ultra Bright!' toothpaste. Who would YOU trust?**_

_**quick note: Side effects my include gingivitis and serious caries.**_

[Ends break]

"We're back, baby! My ninjas had to sedate Na'Toth for her to chill out. When she came to it, I told her if she wanna win, no killing the other contestants." – Francis said in a sneaky whisper. – "Unless that what the audience wants. Eh! Eh! Eh!"

Francis toured the competitors through the sectors, the Centauri and Narns exchanging hateful looks, though Na'Toth had one of her eyes on Jha'dur too.

"Every of your living sectors: Grey, Blue and Green, has 9 separated quarters, if you can call some dusty, smelling, crappy bedrooms 'quarters'." – Francis said, opening the door to one of the quarters in Grey sectors. Only a poorly arranged bed, with bad illumination. Nothing else existed, not even a bathroom.

"Ew! What is this smell?!" – Bester said, losing his smile for the first time.

"Yeah, slipped my mind. The quarters of each sector have a distinguish smell. Grey quarters smell like sulfur, Blue like sewer water and Green like sweaty nuttsack." – Francis said, not really caring much.

"Elegant." – Refa said with a ton of sarcasm. – "Do we have to eat our own sinks to survive?"

* * *

_**Camera confession:**_

"Impressive. This is the type of deluxe hospitality you can expect from Humans." – Refa sneered.

"What's the matter, Centauri? You can't survive unless the environment around you is soft and warm?" – Na'Toth asked with a toothy smirk.

"Get away. This is my confession time!"

* * *

"As much as I would love seeing that, no. Your D grade food will be served by the Chef." – Francis said, moving the canteen of the sector. – "Each sector is connected to the canteen and to Chef Zathras' kitchen. PS: Do not, on any circumstance, _insult_ the Chef's cooking. Oh, speakin' of the devil…"

"Zathras is here!" – the hunch bag creature huffed. – "Zathras greets contestants. Zathras is happy to serve. But Zathras warns to not insult Zathras' food, because then Zathras will have to slice you in pieces and serve you as next morning's breakfast."

* * *

_**Camera confession:**_

"Cute. The host is an ass, the accommodations are crappy and the cook is a butcher. What's this? My stay on the Drazi homeworld?" – Lyta pouted.

* * *

"Now, for the Red sector. This might cheer you up a little." – Francis took them a corridor of a much better illuminated sector. He opened a door to reveal a luxurious room with a large, elegant bed, a refrigerator with all types of food. And a table with a computer and com channels. – "Like I said in the intro, Red sector is the reward sector. When a team gets immunity, they get to spend the next 72 hours in these lovable quarters. Let's not forget this sector has 27 quarters. This way, when a different team wins, they won't stay on an already used room."

"How generous of you." – Sinclair said, though his voice held no compliment. – "And I don't suppose you'll have the same sleep and meal arrangements we do, right?"

"Yeah, you wish!" – Francis rolled his eyes. – "I have my personal resort hidden somewhere in the station. And trust me, compared to it, Red sector is but a rundown hotel by a polluted radioactive river. Now stop the chit-chat and follow."

Francis took the transport tube with less than a third of the contestants. The Vorlon encounter suits filled up much space than they appeared. The group was now watching the starts in the Observation Dome.

"Here we are in the only place you're allowed to walk that has some decent enough view." – Francis muttered.

"It is a beautiful sight. A good place for departures." – Delenn said.

"Funny you should say that. This is where the losing team will vote off one of their members. That loser will walk down the Bay of Shame and take a ride back home on the Shuttle of Losers. QED, he or she can't come back…EVER!"

"Out of curiosity, what does this Shuttle of Losers looks like?" – Morden questioned.

"Oh, you'll see when the elimination ceremony comes to pass." – Francis took a look outside. – "It's a funny thing about the Shuttle of Losers. Believe it or not, it took a big slice of the budget because it has the latest holographic tech. I wanted the shuttle to be ideal for transporting a loser, so I used up the funds that were supposed to be used for more… _unnecessary projects_."

"And, what were those _unnecessary projects_ you speak of?" – Jha'dur asked casually.

"The improvement of your living quarters." – Francis said with a hiding smirk.

"How thoughtful of you." – Neroon gave a humorless smile.

"You're welcome, Mr. Sunshine!" – Francis retorted. – "As much as I love compliments, we have to move on. There's a last part of the station you must get familiarized with."

Francis took the contestants into the C'N'C. As with every other part of the station, it was devoid of anyone.

"This is the C'N'C, where you share your thoughts with the galaxy via camera. This is where you can rant and reveal to the universe your deepest, darkest secrets. Though I see many of you have already used it, so I don't need to go into details."

"You don't need or you don't care to?" – Corwin frowned but Francis ignored him.

"There are parts of the station that don't belong to any sector. Like the main corridors, the medlab. The nuclear reactor that makes up most of Yellow sector, and the life-support systems which are buried on Brown sector. Though I advise you to not spend much time on Brown sector; nasty things happen there. Also, Red Sector is house for the gardens, but while it's not used, Red Sector is off-limits. As for the rest, the station is automated, so we're the only ones onboard. And the only doctor we have is Chef Zathras."

"This station seems too big seen from the outside to house so little?" – Urza commented.

"The thing is, there are many rooms and hidden environments. But you'll have ot find them on your own. Take it as an extra challenge to do on your free time."

"Fine, we got the message. This place is a decaying hellhole." – Londo snapped. – "Can we get on with this?"

"Fine. I'll start by splitting you guys into teams." – Francis kept ordering the guests to join and separate with others. Five minutes later, he was done:

**Green Team:**

Sheridan; Delenn; Franklin; Zack; Refa; Lyta; Lennier; Kosh; Morden.

**Blue Team:**

Sinclair; Garibaldi; Ivanova; Lochley; Na'Toth; Ulkesh; Vir; Cartagia; Jha'dur.

**Grey Team:**

Marcus; Corwin; Talia; Bester; G'Kar; Dukhat; Neroon; Londo; Urza.

"Why do I have to be on the same team as this butcher?!" – Na'Toth protested.

"Because I said so. But hey, if you don't like it, the Shuttle of Losers is completely fueled. Get lost and show the whole galaxy the Narns are quitters and give the _butcher_ a chance to get closer to the grand prize." – Francis spoke in a slow tone. Na'Toth was cornered and she knew it. If she stuck around, she would have to work together with the murderous fiend that tortured her grandfather. If she left, the Narn Regime would be the scorned and mocked by the entire galaxy, not to mention Na'Toth would give up on an unlimited wish. As much as she hated to admit, that blasted Humans had her in his hand. In the end, she grudgingly remained on the show.

"OK, teams are split, the station is known. Go to bed. Tomorrow the show starts!" – as the guests left for their respective sectors, Francis spoke directly to the camera.

"And so it begins! The teams have just been formed but enmities are already coming to life. Who will be the first to embark on the Shuttle of Losers? What surprises await our contestants? Find out, next time, on Total Drama Babylon!"


	2. I am dying

Hello, to all my readers. If you are reading this it's because I am dying. In fact, when you begin reading these goodbye words I might be already dead. I've been diagnosed with cancer and this is probably my last chance to update and I've been planning this ever since the day I found out I have it.

Total Drama Babylon was meant to only be updated in a few months. I had been gathering ideas for the challenges and the dramas, but tragedy struck.

If anyone wishes to have this fict for themselves and continue it, please do so. Farewell.


End file.
